The DerfJam Chronicles

I feel alive again.

I wanted to cut off all contact with her so that way when she leaves, we won't be close anymore. But it's too hard to do. I'll just make the most of the time we have left. It's a lot easier knowing now instead of her just blindsiding me and telling me right before she leaves. I have time to deal with it and gather my emotions.

We were talking the other night and I asked her a few questions that I probably shouldn't have. What can I say? I'm just curious sometimes. She didn't answer at first, which made me even more curious. She just basically said it wasn't the right time to reveal that answer. And then I started talking about other stuff, with the intention of bringing the subject up again in a subtle manner.

When the subject came back up, she answered by letting me put the pieces together. She brought up the things she had been doing. She mentioned the things she had given up. The things she had been asking me for help with suddenly had meaning. And then I realized the truth. She's leaving. Leaving for good. I will never see her again in my life.

I cried for the first time since my Grandma passed away.

She said she would be sad when the moment of truth comes along. She said she's already sad just thinking about it. I told her that I would miss her. And she asked for my advice on how to deal with it. The things I said were too drastic for her to do. I'm not good with goodbyes.

Finding out the news, I was wishing that I never got close to her. I wish that I didn't meet her. I wish she knew that I'm a jerk. I'm not that guy she should trust her life with. Yet she does. I wish she didn't accept me for who I am. I wish she didn't make me a better person. I wish she didn't know how much she means to me. How much easier would this situation be if I kept my distance from her?

I haven't felt this lonely in a long while. It's not just her that's making me feel this way.

My close friend invited me out to dinner and then not decided to not show up. No explanation. And no answer on the cell for two days. Still no answer. I went out of my way to show up for this dinner only to be stood up.

Another friend made up some BS story about me not wanting to go to Comic-Con and gave my pass to someone else? The story has yet to unravel but the people I spoke to have given me their story. I don't know what the truth is. I just need to hear from this friend if they ever decide to return my phone calls/messages.

I have a problem with people not living up to their word. I don't mind if something comes up and there's a change of plans. But flaking and taking the easy way out is not acceptable in my book.

I really feel like shutting everyone out of my life for right now. I need to figure out who I can trust. I need to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I need to change things for the better.

Yesterday when we were having lunch, she informed that she is now single. It was out of the blue. I don't really remember any of our conversation but she just threw that out there. And that's all I can remember. I wanted to stand up and give out a big "wooooo hooooo" but I think that would have been too much. So I just did the good ol' fist pump under the table.

It really took me by surprise. 5 years gone out the window. I really want to step in and fill that void in her life. Whatever she's missing out on, I know I can provide. But I don't wanna be the rebound guy. I'm not thinking of doing anything dirty with her. I actually enjoy being around her and spending time with her. I can do what I normally do with the fellas and not be afraid to do it in front of her. I told her that she was like the girl version of me. She acts like a total tomboy yet she's still very feminine. I like that. And she knows all about my pr0n obsession. Hell, she even supports it. I got nothin' to hide from her. I can be me.

I'm debating what I should do. What kind of plan can I devise in order for her to fall for me? I'm not gonna make it where I'm chasing her. No, that's played out. I gotta set up scenarios where she realizes that she's missing "something" and I just "happen" to be her Prince Charming. Eh, yeah right. I'll just continue daydreaming....

So I tried callin' her at around 630ish last night and she didn't pick up. I figured she was still mad at me from our last conversation a few weeks ago. I said some things I probably shouldn't have and she was questioning my morals and values. I admit, she probably wasn't the person to tell this thing but it slipped and I always try to be upfront and honest with her.

So my phone rings late last night and I'm wondering who the hell would call me at this hour. I see the name on the phone and I pick it up. So she apologizes for the last time we talked and she explained that she was going through some ordeal and she was stressed out. And I explained the story behind what I said and she was cool with it. She understood that I meant no harm and I'm just trying to have fun. So we're good. And then we ended up talking for a damn good while. And those of you who know me know that I hate talking on the phone. But I enjoy talking to her on the phone. She's probably one of the few people that I enjoy talking to in general. I'm pretty sure we can talk for days and not even realize it. And I think that's what happened last night. The only reason we got off the phone was cuz I said that I needed to wash the sweat off my balls and I think it's marinated long enough. She was grossed out at first but I explained to her that I was working out and then I was resting and now I needed to shower. And then she was all understanding and saying she does the same thing. I guess no one talks to her the way I do and she doesn't know how to react. Hahahahaha. And so I have to explain everything.


Just to clarify to all you perverts out there, there is nothing going on between me and this one. We're just friends.

I was with this girl who was wild. I knew she was wild but I didn't know how wild. I'd seen her workin' it and shakin' her thang so I wanted a piece. When I met her my hair was neatly tied back. When I parted ways with her, my hair was down and soaked with sweat. And so begins the saga.....

On the sofa we were grindin' and gettin' each other all worked up. And she smothered my face with her voluptuous chest. These had to be at least D's and I couldn't help but move my head from side to side making motorboat sounds. She laughed at this but continued to pound my face with these flotation devices. I almost felt like I would end up with two black eyes by the end of the night.

I swear this girl was raised on a ranch cuz she rode me like she had been riding horses all her life. As she mounted me, she wrapped her hands around my head and ripped off my hair tie, along with a handful of hair. She pushed me deep into the sofa and pulled my legs out from under, so only my back was touching the sofa with my ass hanging off the edge, and proceeded to ride me into the sunset. After a while, she turned around and faced away from me still riding me. She leaned back into me and I began to kiss her neck. I nibbled on her ear and when the time was near I whispered to her that I was about to unleash all my fury.

She began to stroke away while still mounted on me. My piece was in between her cheeks and her hand. I told her the time was now and she licked the palm of her hand and began to churn butter. It was like she was driving a stick shift on a winding road. The straightaway was here and she had me from 0-60 in under 3.5 seconds. The baby yogurt was splattered all over her hand, back and my belly. And she commented on how much there was. She asked me how I'm able to let out so much. She was in shock. And I told her it was because she was that damn good!

Here I am thinking she's gonna get off me now that I've finished. I begin to try getting up but she pushes me back down and says to me "You can't leave until I finish". I look at her in amazement cuz no one has ever said that to me. Keep in mind, that she's still on top of me. So I accepted the challenge.

I proceeded to insert some fingers into her from behind and with my other hand reach over to the front and rub away. This was a little difficult to maneuver. The in and out motion with one hand and the rubbing motion with the other, factored in with the fatigue, was not working too well. She was trying to get my soldier to stand tall again, but to no avail. So I just continued the in and out motion while she rubbed away on the front end. She began to moan and my fingers were getting moist. She was quivering and all of a sudden, she stopped and her body went limp and she breathed very heavily. She rested on top of me and we were both covered in bodily fluids. We laid there for a few minutes catching our breaths. And then she got up and I was able to leave. By that time, I was ready for the next round and I wasn't sure I wanted to leave...

Over the weekend, I got the best head I have ever gotten in my entire life. She did a lot of things that no one has ever tried before and things I didn't think I would let anyone ever do. She was making my toes tingle and my whole body tense so I let her do whatever she wanted to me. And she wouldn't stop. Even after I spewed forth the juices of life, she kept going. I tried to get her to stop but it felt too good for me to fight it. She had me at her mercy.

I don't know why but when I looked down at her and she was staring up at me while taking me to town, it just turned me on so much more. That eye contact, it's like entrancing or hypnotizing or something. It's a feeling I can't describe. It's like we were communicating without words. She knew what to do just by looking me in the eye. I think she enjoyed seeing the pleasure on my face. The fact that she was turning me on was turning her on.

I think I'm in love. Naw, not really. But it was pretty damn awesome.

What is that?

It seems like every other tech article I read is about the iPhone. I'm sure it's great and all but I'm kinda tired of seeing so much about it. I've just never seen anything get so much hype. But it seems like it's living up to it. I guess the people are getting what they want....

So far no one has looked and I haven't given into temptation yet. I've wanted to and I had to fight myself to stay strong. I'm going to be positive about this whole situation. I have a plan this time. It's going to work. She'll never know what hit her...

No one is watching me and I can do whatever I want. I've been doing whatever I want. But now imma do what I didn't do. Imma do the right thing, or at least try. I've been told plenty of times but I never listen. It's hard to listen to someone when you don't believe them. Imma listen to myself.

It's not about the things you do when people are around. What matters is when no one is there and you're all alone and you know you can get away with it. What do you do?

Shoot the J....shoot it!!!!

I was making my morning oatmeal and someone pulled up next to me. I didn't really think anything of it. But then I felt some eyes staring at me. So I turned and looked to see who it was. The face was unfamiliar but she was smiling at me. So I smiled back. She quickly turned and walked away. I followed her out the door so I could say something to her but then I remembered my oatmeal so I turned back around. After I made my oatmeal, I went in the direction that she went and saw her walking back to where I was. She was making eye contact with me and smiling the whole way. I was smiling too. I kept walking past her and sat by Ramon so it wouldn't look like I just followed her. Ha. But then on the way to my desk, I ran into Scott and he's training her, so I went into the room that she was in. I was gonna stay but I had business to attend to. At least now she knows my face and next time I see her I'll say something.

I give it a solid 6.

She asked me to talk to him about cleaning up his act. As a friend, apparently it's my duty to talk some sense into someone who's path has gone astray.

But how can I tell someone to do something if I don't believe in it? She explained all the angles to me and what role I play in it. It made sense when she was explaining it. I even had a guilt trip about it. But when I look at my friend, I don't see anything wrong. It's his choice.

I guess it's the way I was raised. My Mom was always telling me what to do and what not to do. She was molding me to become what she felt was right. On the other hand, my Dad always let me do what I do and allowed me to learn from my mistakes. He let me mold myself, but with some guidance. That's the same thing I'm doing with my friend. I'm there if he needs me, but I'm not going to interfere. He's a grown ass man and he knows what he's doing.

Karma.

Just the way that she talks has got me in a knot. That accent of hers is so exotic. I absolutely love Russian girls. Even in a drunken state she refuses my advancements. But she lets me in just enough to keep me coming back for more. Damn her for being so sexy. And damn her for loving my camera more than me.

Me and Shanel went out to lunch yesterday. We were talking about "being" with someone from work. Hahahahaha. But yeah, I told if I had a choice to pick one girl from work, it would be *________*. I'm not gonna name any names but it's for obvious reasons. I'm sure if you met her, you would know that I'm into those kinds of girls.

And we also talked about the one that I'm attached to. I talk to her occasionally and I wonder what it is that keeps me hanging on. It might just be the comfort and all the experiences we shared, but regardless of who I meet I always end up going back to her. I guess it's the backup plan and I always mess up so I resort back to her. I need to grow a pair and move on cuz I know it'll never be.

It's been etched into my brain and I can't get the images/feelings out. It's the curse of a good memory. I can't stop thinking about that night and how good it felt. For a moment, I actually felt loved. I don't know what it's like to be loved but I imagine it feels like that. I guess this is what they call the forbidden fruit. I got a taste and now I want more.

It's not necessarily her that I want. It's the feelings that I felt which is driving me mad. I know I always say that the last time was the best time, maybe cuz it's the most recent and I can remember it better, but this one tops it all. The other times I knew what was gonna happen. I was mentally prepared for what was to come. But this time, everything was a total surprise. That's what made it so exhilarating. And now I'm a sucker.....

I always thought I was waaaaay out of shape. But I guess I was wrong. This weekend I played football with my cousins and this is probably the first time I ran full speed in about 5 months. But I was playing receiver and DB and I had to cover one of my cousins who is about 130lbs. I'm about 250lbs so when you look at us, you see that there is a mismatch and the 130lb. guy will have the speed advantage. But that's not always the case. My other cousins were saying that how can someone almost twice your weight be faster than you? They were totally ripping on my 130 lb. cousin. I was huffin' and puffin' more than he was but still, I was amazed that I could actually keep up with him. I know he thought I was slow which is why he probably thought he could take it easy. Even if he wasn't going all out on me, it made me feel good to just be out there and being active and not sit on ass all day.

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The activities happened on Thursday night. She texted me Friday morning, since she didn't come to work. And she texted me again in the afternoon. Both times I thought she wanted to talk about what went on between us, and where we stand. Both times I was wrong. Or so I thought.

She finally hit me up again around 3am last night/this morning and we had a lengthy discussion of what went down. She was saying that it was bothering her the whole day on Friday. I don't blame her. It would probably bother me too if I was in her shoes. I don't know how people who cheat on their significant others can live with themselves. But yeah, we talked it out and it wasn't like it was planned. It was a spur of the moment kind of activity. Things like that happen when people are drunk. And so now she's taking a break from drinking.

And we're still on good terms. I actually think we're closer now. That sexual tension is gone and we can just be comfortable.

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I dunno if I should feel guilty or not but I did for a little while last night. Up until the point where my lips met hers. In my mind was the fact that she was engaged to some other man but at that very moment she laying in bed next to me, not him. We were laying face to face, with her head gently resting on my arm. We were smiling at each other and not a word was spoken. I started to pull my face closer to hers and she closed her eyes. Our lips met and all the guilty feelings went away in the heat of the moment. It was intimate, passionate, and exhilarating. I went from 6 to 12 instantly. Tongues darting in and out, back and forth, and hands roaming freely. I rolled onto my back and she gracefully mounted me. I don't think our lips ever separated.

3 hours later when I got home, the taste of alcohol still lingered on my tongue. Keep in mind that I barely drank anything that night. This flavor was all from her mouth.

I no longer feel guilty about the fact that she's engaged. It was a night of passion that she was probably yearning for. Her man is on the other side of the world right now, and a girl has her needs. The only thing I do feel a little quirky about is how she's gonna react the next time I see her, at WORK......

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Okay, bye.