The DerfJam Chronicles

That house that me and my bro were gonna put an offer down for is now officially off the market. Not by us. Someone offered 30 G's more than the asking price. We wouldn't have offered that much.

But on a lighter note, I did attend the Air Sex World Championships last night. I was expecting people to have crazy routines but it seemed llike they just went up there and free-styled. Either that or they got super nervous and forgot what they were supposed to do, which is what one contestant said on the post performance interview. And this person probably had the best routine, IMO. I'm writing a review/blog on it, which will be up tonight...

So last night I wanted to go check out Transformers. I invited this cute girl from work. She was playing games with me. I asked her on Monday and she said maybe. I followed up the next day and still a maybe. And then yesterday at lunch, I just said "I'll pick you up at 8." And then she said "Oh, I have to go to Barnes & Nobles to study..." WTF?!?!?!?! I know she did it on purpose. If she knew she was gonna go somewhere or had something to do, why couldn't she have just told me no? Whatever. So I was scrambling to get a group together to go see it. It was supposed to me be, her, her roommate and my other buddy. So now it was just me and my buddy. A man date. Hahahahaha. I didn't really want that. So I started hittin' up friends in the area to see if they wanted to roll. Out of the 10 peeps I hit up, only 1 came along. So it was just us 3.

But guess what? Transformers was sold out! We bought 2 tix after work at 4pm for the 850 showing. But I didn't find out my lady friend was gonna roll until 6pm. I was down in Chula Vista looking at houses at the time so I couldn't go to Mira Mesa and buy another ticket. And by the time I got back up there....the 850 showing was sold out. So I bought the 950 showing with a plan in mind. We had two 850 tix and one 950. The plan was for 2 people to go in and grab some seats. One of those 2 comes back out to grab the person with the 950 ticket and bring them in using the same 850 tickets we had. But there was just waaaaaaay too many damn people for that plan to work. So we just got a refund and went to Islands to drink. Great idea. Hahahahahaha. Beer + Embarassing Stories = Good Times.

Oh yeah, back to the house. I think me and my bro are gonna put in an offer for this place. It's pretty nice. It needs a bit of fixing up to do but the price and area seems good. We'll see.....

Today after work.....me and my bro are gonna visit this house we've been eye f*cking. It's over off Telegraph Canyon Rd. It's got 4 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, 2,137 sq ft, 2 car garage and a pool. I'm hoping we get this one. We'll see.....

My sleeping schedule is officially jacked. Last night I went to bed at 7pm and woke up around 3am. The night before I went to bed at 4am and woke up 645. The day before that I took a 6 hr nap in the middle of the day. All this cuz I went out Friday night and was chillin' in the cold night in someone's backyard til 2am. Yeah, that's when I started feeling sick.

This weekend I ran into the high school bully. He used to throw me into the lockers and just toss me around. I wasn't really afraid of him or anything. I just never fought back. I'm not a fighter. I'm the dude who will turn the other cheek. But yeah, I was at my homeboy's party and some guy comes up to like he knows me. I didn't even recognize him. And then when he mentioned his name, every memory of him came back to me. Hahahahahaha. But he's actually nice now. He apologized for all the crap he did. He told me his life story after high school and how he got into gangs and hard drugs and being locked up. Sometimes people need to experience the bad in order to see the good. He's now an Alaskan fisherman and making good money for himself. I'm glad to see he straightened himself out and is now taking care of his girl and her family.

There's this girl at work and she's kinda cute. She's not really my flavor but she's a girl so I'm on it like flies on shiite. I invited her out to the movies tomorrow night. I had to scheme in order for her to go. I recently found out some things about her and then I used that information to get her to go. This is info she doesn't know that I know. My accomplice has the inside scoop and he's feeding me the alley oop and all I gotta do is throw it down. So far the plan is working. We'll see how tomorrow goes.....

There's always a plan. Nothing ever happens by chance. I just make it look that way.

I just remembered that today marks my 3 yr anniversary for working here. That was a fast 3 years. I remember saying to myself that I would stay 6 months and this was just my stepping stone to get another job. Hahahahahaha. Some things grow on you. But seriously, it's the people here and the environment that makes me wanna stay. I'd rather have a shitty job but work with a bunch of cool people than have my dream job and work with a bunch of dinosaurs and uptight people. Real Talk.

Last night, me and my cousins played b-ball for the first time since the Playoffs started. Its only been 2 months and I was huffin' and puffin' and my back was aching. It's a good thing it's summer and we can play all the damn time now.

My 15 yr old cousin is gettin' pretty damn good now. He has a good shot and he's quick. The only thing he needs to work on is his defense and then he'll be on the Varsity team for his high school. Oh yeah, and he can't drive left. Hahahaha. My 19 yr old cousin is probably the worst athlete I've EVER seen in my life. Hahahahahaha. I love him and all so I'll call him out. I told he needs to work on his shot and I tried to show him. He has the stiffest wrist after shooting the ball. His ball has absolutely no rotation on it. He's also very slow. I'm around 250 lbs and he's probably 140 and I'm faster than him. That shouldnt be the case. He's also 3 or 4 inches taller than me and I can jump higher than him. Hahahahahahaha. My 24 yr old cousin is also a pretty bad athlete but he has heart. That makes up for his lack of athleticism. I see him trying and I know he wants it. Sometimes heart is better than skill.

Last weekend I ran into a friend from high school. We went to college together but my lasting impression on her was from high school. She used to be all goth. She was still pretty even though she wore dark clothes and dark lipstick and combat boots and all. And in college, she somehow transformed into a regular girl. And this weekend when I saw her, she was looking more beautiful than ever. I think I would have dated her even in her goth stage. She was that pretty where the goth look didn't affect her beauty. But yeah, I got her number and imma make sure to put it to some use.

I also ran into my favorite engineer this past Friday. I haven't seen her in a long ass while. It was soooooo good to randomly run into her. I know we were on a good one because I remember just holding onto her hips the WHOLE time we were talking. Hahahahahaha. Sorry about that. I'm only aware of this because some guy kept glancing at me and then I figured he was with her and I was getting too close for comfort but I didn't care. I wasn't trying to put on any moves.

But I did put some moves on some random drunk girl at the bar we were at. Hahahahaha. I remember she got all wild when she read my shirt. It said "Peck Peck: No Muff Too Tough" And then she said that I was gross for being a rug muncher and that you wouldn't any carpet on her. I said I didn't believe her and she'd have to prove it to me. "Show me! I don't believe you!" And then we went off to the corner of the bar. And on the way there, we ran into her friends so we forget what the hell was going on. I mentioned that we should take pictures and she grabbed my camera and handed it to the closest person to us. She faced me and puckered up for the picture. So I pressed my lips against hers and she didn't back off so I kept on going. I don't like kissing random girls cuz I don't know where their lips have been. What if 20 minutes before I kissed them, they were in the back room sucking some dude off? You wanna know why I think that? Cuz at my last job I got sucked off by some chick and then 20 minutes later I saw her with some other dude. And I was laughing my ass off cuz he was tasting my children. Muahahahahaha.

OMG! This morning I was driving to work and then I needed to take a mad dump. I wanted to drive faster but it was no use cuz there traffic. DAMN! The hair on my arms started to stand up and I clinched my cheeks super tight. Normally I don't mind the morning traffic but I couldn't stand it this morning. My left leg was shaking uncontrollably and I was starting to sweat. I tried to keep as still as possible but that didn't really help. The more relaxed I got, the more it would feel like it was gonna come out and explode. So on the whole drive, the entire 45 mins, I was pretty tense. Yeah, the WHOLE drive. I shoulda took a dump before I left but I was in a hurry since I woke up a little later than usual.

When I got to work, the spot where I normally park was taken. So I parked a little farther and the spots were tiny for my big ass truck. I just ended up taking 2 spots since I couldn't park it properly. And then I tried to run but that made the feeling worse so I power walked to my desk to clock in and headed straight for the bathroom. And on my way there, people were saying "What's up?" to me and I just said "Yo" and kept on walking. My teeth were grinding and my eyes were watery. And the closer I got to the bathroom, the harder it became to hold it in. I actually had to slow down walking when I was about 10 yards away from the bathroom door because it almost felt like it was gonna explode already. I had to regain my composure. I don't want to have to drive all the way home to get some new pants.

So I made it to the bathroom and unleashed the fury on that poor toilet. It was like the sounds of heaven with every splatter. The angels were singing and it was a glorious celebration. Since everything was concentrated to one area already, I finished my deed pretty quick. It probably took less than 2 minutes and I was already cleaning up. And as I got up to flush, I took a quick peek at my masterpiece and saw a magnificent mountain. There were no logs in this forest. Just one big mountain pile of doo doo. I almost shed a tear from seeing what nature had created before my eyes. I had a hand, or ass, in this doing and I didn't want to see it go away. I wanted to share my wonderful creation to the whole world.

Too bad the toilet I used was an automatic flusher and all my hopes and dreams went down the drain. Another day, another dollar, and another 8 hours to try to recreate a mountain worthy for the heavens to see....