The DerfJam Chronicles

I feel like I have a new lease on life. My outlook is starting to look brighter these days. I think I blame it on the running. And the eating. I feel so much better. I'm not as tired as I used to be. Before, I could get by and function normally, but in the back of my head I wasn't too pleased. It's taken around 28 weeks for these changes to kick it. Hahahaha. I used to run by myself and hate the world and everything in it. Now I got running partners and it just makes it so much funner. Thanks Ramon for running with me. I know I'm all hella slow and you can probably run twice as much in the same amount of time, but thanks for just being there.

258 to 227. Let's shoot for 200.

I nearly witnessed an accident. I was at the intersection waiting to turn left and there was some chick adjacent to where I was, wanting to turn right. It's like she didn't even look to see if there was oncoming traffic and she proceeded to turn right. And I saw in my rear view mirror that there was this tow truck steaming ahead and it was probably going 40mph. This chick was pretty much halfwfay into the lane already and the tow truck swerved into the midle of the lane to avoid hitting it. And the chick only noticed the tow truck AFTER it passed her. She then slammed on the brakes and she was holding a Starbucks cup in one of her hands and I saw her face of horror. It was priceless. Her eyes got all big and I read her lips say "Oooohhhh Shit!" And then I turned left onto Carroll Rd.

So today I dropped a hot deuce 3 times and it wasn't even noon yet. This concerned me because I normally take around 4 dumps a day but they're spread out in good intervals. So not too long ago I coughed really hard and I felt a squirt. I immediately knew what this was. I casually walked to the bathroom trying to not make it obvious. I had no idea if the hershey squirt seeped through the underwear and onto my pants.

Luckily when I cough, I have a tendency to squeeze my cheeks...just in case something of this nature ever arises. Well, thank goodness for my tendencies. Now I can go on with the rest of my day knowing that I still have my underwear in tact. My cheeks were able to trap all the chocolate morsels in place. If not, I would have went to the boss and just said I wasn't feeling good and I woulda went home and laughed my ass off during the ride home for doing such a deed. I'm still laughing, regardless. Hahahahahaha.

I got to spend some good quality time with this one last night. We never really get a chance to do things together but spur of the moment activities are the best. There's nothing better than someone who's willing to say "Eh, f*ck it! Let's do it!" regardless of the consequences and oblivious to time and all the other real world bolshleviks (my replacement word for b*llshit) we have to deal with.

I wish things were different. I wish the ball would roll my way sometimes....

The relationship we built, it was kind of surreal. I wasn't expecting anything out of it except friendship. But we built something stronger. We got real close. Too close for my own good. Like secret lovers, I began to get attached emotionally. She helped me realize things I already knew but didn't want to do. And she gave me the courage to go for it. It's been months since I last saw her but I knew that she was only a long drive away. But now that's not the case. Tonight she leaves. Forever. A new world, a new life. I'm still here living the same life. Afraid to change. Afraid to explore. Afraid to love. To open my heart to someone is not something I'm willing to do. Not right now. I'm not ready. I dunno if I'll ever be ready but I need to finish my current journey before I can begin a new one. I need to find myself all over again....

You know what's funny? When I see people use shirts as car seat covers. Hahahahaha. I don't get it. Why would you ever do that? I understand it's a cool shirt and you want to show it off but cut out the design and sew it onto a real seat cover. Or maybe it's for the occasion that if they ever get stranded somewhere and they somehow get their shirt torn/ripped/mangled/bloodied or whatever, then their shirt car seat cover will come in handy. But then again you could always just store an extra shirt in your trunk. Hahahahaha.

Today I picked up the guitar for the first time in a long time. I've been busy and the guitar is a great way to relax. I don't know why I neglected it for so long. Maybe cuz I was trying to learn the piano...but I haven't touched the piano in a good while either. No excuses. I gotta get back to doing what I love. There's always time when you make time.

Last night she turned to me for answers. This isn't the first time she's done that. But I'm NOT the best person you can turn to when looking for answers. I don't have any. All I can offer is a breakdown of the situation. And an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. I'm nothing more. I've never been good when dealing with this situation. She poured her heart out and all I could tell her were the things she already knew. And I'd make her laugh every once in a while. I guess I can be good for that.

But yeah, she wants to clean the slate and I'm there just to be a witness. And to support her in whatever decision she makes. Sometimes the hardest decision is the one you've already made but don't want to go through with. I wish things didn't have to be so hard.

She hit me up last night. I haven't had contact with her in what seems like years. I called her babycakes and she called me lovebug. We were never "together" but it sure did feel like it. I just felt like it was wrong when we were spending time together because I knew what my role was. She had just gotten out of a serious relationship maybe 2 weeks before I met her. And me be crazy and all, combined with her being freed back into the wilderness of the single life, led to some insanely good times. All the things she couldn't do before or never tried, well....you know me. One of my closest friends knew what was going on and he was the only one I could talk to about the situation. I was trying to keep this on the low. And he said he's do the same damn thing if he were in my shoes. So I dove in knowing my role.

When she was all recovered, I knew I probably would not keep contact with her. I did for a little bit, just to ease the phase out period. But yeah, she got back on her feet and I kept on walking. We're both walking now.

I just wasn't expecting to hear from her.

We've gone to the pr0n con for the past 4 years in a row now. The 1st time was like sensory overload. I was ready to jizz in my pants on the spot. This year, I can't say the same thing. I dunno if the economy is affecting the pr0n industry as well, but it just didn't have that extra "oomph" to give me that satisfaction. I mean, it was still fun but it just didn't compare to the years before. Maybe I'm getting numb to this stuff? I still got excited thinking about it, on the week leading up to it. But being there wasn't the same. I had expectations and things I was looking forward to seeing. And I think the fact that those expectations did not come about kinda killed my buzz. Certain companies weren't there. Certain stars weren't there. The usual amount of celebrities weren't there. Times are tough right now and I thought pr0n would be the one thing that would be able to survive any kind of crisis. I guess I was wrong.

Nonetheless, I had an awesome time in Vegas. I gambled again for maybe the 3rd time ever. I'm not a gambler. And I lost. Hahahaha. I don't get that rush that other people get from gambling. I'd rather spend my money on a good meal or something. I wanna know my money went to good use.

Tonight we leave for Vegas. This is what, 4 years in a row now? It's become tradition for us to go here during the beginning of January each year. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, do the letters AVN or AEE ring a bell? Yeah, it's the pr0n con. And you know me, I love me some pr0n. Well, if you want anything from there, text me tonight or tomorrow morning and I'll do my best to get it for you. I already have requests for DVD's and pictures of certain stars.

Ok, so the other week I was at a wedding and I was chatting with the Maid of Honor. I normally talk to her like I would talk to any of my other friends. I consider her a good friend. We were pretty close at one point. But at the wedding, I was talking to her and I put my arm around her. I did this quite frequently back in college and we would walk around campus like this. It was no big deal to me and her. We're "hands on" with each other. So at the wedding I'm chatting with her with my arm around her and I notice a guy looking at us. I didn't even think twice to see who it was. Well, she noticed me look in his direction and she happened to glance also. It turns out it was her man. He had been keeping a close eye on us. And as soon as she noticed him, she whispered in my ear and said "Oh.....he doesn't like it when you mess with me." And then I took my arm off of her and took a step back and said "Are you serious?" And she looked at me with the straightest face I've ever seen on her and said "Yeah." I put my hands in the air, like I was being arrested, and said "I apologize." And then she says "No no no no! I didn't know either. He saw a picture of us two and asked if you were always like that? And I said yeah. Do you have a problem with that? And he said 'Kinda'." The only thing I could say to her was "Wow." And then I walked away.

I'm not a homewrecker. I'm not trying to steal someone else's girl. I have a little bit of morals. A little bit. I know I do some crazy things but I still have a conscious and I know what's right and wrong. And I always try to to do the right thing. I feel like punching this guy every time I see him now since her whole family knows how I act with her. Her sister knows. Her brother knows. And her Dad knows. We've always been very friendly with one another. When the Dad approves of what I do, you have no say. Dad's are the most protective people. And her Dad is on my side.


Later on at the wedding reception I came up to her again and said "You know.....I would never do anything to put your relationship in a compromise...." And she cut me off and said "I know! Don't worry about him. I'll talk to him. You didn't do anything."

It felt good to hear her say that but it still bothers me that she's even with him. If this guy is insecure and gets jealous when her friends are acting friendly around her, then maybe he needs to grow up cuz I'm not gonna change who I am.

Here's another resolution. I started doing this in the past 2 months but I'd like to continue it. I started playing the piano again. I took lessons when I was a kid but I never really paid attention. I did whatever Ms. Carmen(my piano teacher) asked me to play. It was boring. Now I'm playing stuff I want to play and it's fun. I wanna get good to where I can play in public without being embarassed. Right now I wouldn't play in front of anybody I don't know very well. I'd like that to be different this time around next year.

Ok, I thought of something I need to be doing. Stretching. I have the worst hamstrings in hamstring history so my goal for this year is to be more limber. I need to stretch before and after I work out. I'm guilty of only stretching whenever I feel tight. That shouldn't be the case.

On a side note, I got my first haircut in 2.5 years. It's nothing major though. I only took off 2 or 3 inches. But it does feel noticably shorter. The only reason I cut it is cuz my hair felt so brittle and the split ends were killing me. Hahahahaha. And my girl cousins say they wish I was a girl. I let them play with my hair and my nails. They always compliment my nails. Hahahahaha. Apparently I have girl hands.

Happy new year. I didn't do much. I stayed at home with the family.

Resolutions for this year? Maybe blog more? On a consistent basis? To blog better content? Ha. Naw, I want to continue my food project and eat healthier. And also to use my time wisely. I spend alot of time just dicking around when I could be productive. That's one of my biggest flaws.

I know I haven't blogged on here very much but I'm not really feeling this blog too much. Check out www.hundredpercentsd.com for my latest project.